BEFORE YOU BEGIN READING THIS POST I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT THESE ARE MY OPINIONS, AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU AGREE WITH THEM I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND YOU OR ANYONE ELSE.
Now, I know that most of you have seen
high school musical, or at least (possibly unfortunately) heard at least one of
the songs (by your choice or someone else's). If you haven't heard the song, I invite you to do it now.
All
of my life I have been told that I am going to grow up and do something
important (because that's what adults tell children to get them to believe in
themselves), but I have also been told that I am going to grow up and get
married because that is what happens. I will have a house of my own, and a
husband of my own with a good job, and I will make dinner, and feed the
children, and have a clean house and wear makeup and dress well, and do the
laundry, and sort the mail, and do the shopping, and be a good wife, and a good
mother.
Would
it surprise you if I told you that I don't want any of these things? I went to
a private Christian high school; I’ve been told it's one of the best in the
state. Each year the students were required to take a bible class. Senior year
we had a section on love and marriage and dating and courting and things of
that nature. The man who taught us was a very good teacher, with a wonderful
marriage, and a very lovely wife, but the problem about this section was not
what was being taught but instead that I felt guilty for not wanting it. I
don't want children I don't even like them. I don't desire tying shoelaces, or
hanging badly drawn pictures on my fridge, or talking over boy/girl problems
late at night, or cooking family meals, or celebrating holidays together.
Almost
as long as I remember I haven't wanted children, and I have made this known
over the past few years, and the response I always got back was "you will
when you get married" or "just wait until you have a child" or
even "you'll change your mind". Even when I’m dreaming at night and
not in control of what my mind does, I’ll dream I am married and have children,
but I have a nanny who takes care of them and my husband and I both work very
long hours and hardly see them or each other, and we just throw money at them. It’s
as though I had the children so I could say I did, so obviously I succeeded.
For
the longest time I have felt as though it was my duty to the world to settle
down and give up my dreams (here is when people say "but you don't have to
give up your dreams! Your husband just comes first" when will I come
first? When will my loves? When wills my passion? Or do I get all that over
with now, before I’m married and locked away forever?) To carry children and
give my spawn away to the world so they could be boys and have a wife and
accomplish something or be girls and be a wife to a husband who accomplishes
something.
I
remember my junior year of high school; in my English class we watched a
documentary about how America was behind the world because we were not as good
in math or science. I remember that this film made me very upset. I was being
told that because I am not good in math or science that I am worth nothing to
the world, it was a terrible feeling, I don't know if anyone else felt that way
but I hope no one else ever does.
We have
all been taught that these are the most important things, science, math, and
marriage. If we don’t pass this math course, how are we supposed to succeed?
Our worth is tied up into what we are told.
So I am
telling you now, forget about it. You are worthy of love, and respect, and a
good job, and taking classes you want, or not even going to college and
shooting right into work, or traveling, you are worthy if you do not marrying someone,
and you are worthy if you marrying someone. Let these ideas be your own, want
it because you want it, believe because you want to believe. Don’t take on your
husband’s beliefs, don’t take on your parent’s, your teacher’s, your pastor’s,
your pastor’s wife’s, these beliefs are not yours, not until you have thought
about them and assessed each one. Not until you understand why you accept them,
why you want to, or why you don’t want to.
I know
that by writing this there will be a lot of people unhappy with me, some who do
not want to talk to me, or may even insult me. But that is okay, because I do
believe in this, because I had made a choice that is my own and not because I
was told to. Instead I put myself into the place of the things everyone else
wants for me, and I did not like what I saw. I want to have my own opinions and
my own beliefs, I want to own it and be proud of what I stand for. But too many
times I have been kicked down because they are not what the majority believes,
even one of my good friends stopped talking to me because of this because I did
not agree with her.
I want,
no I need, everyone reading this to know that while I may not like what you
believe in or stand for, I may at times even hate it with a passion, or simply
have no opinion on it. I will not change my opinion on you, having a different
opinion than me, is just that. It’s a different opinion; as long as I’m not
personally assaulted by the things you say I will still want to be your friend and
still stand by you (this means please attack my argument and not me.)
How to
argue:
Do: state
your opinion, state your arguments (for or against), give facts and sources to
back yourself up (more than just the bible please. Not everyone takes it as
fact, or even as truth), have more than one idea, if you do not agree state
this in a nonthreatening way, try to understand why they think differently than
you (ask them nicely), listen completely (not just to the parts you want, this
should go unstated but some may not pick it up LET THEM FINISH)
Do not:
call them names, stop talking to them, repeat the same thing over and over, do
not accuse them of anything more than they have said (whether or not they agree
with it), assume things about their argument, be rude to those who believe
different than you (this not only includes name calling, but also your wording,
tone of voice, facial gestures, and body language), touch them (this could be
seen as threatening, and it will end badly), tell them what they should (or
should not) believe
There is
a good chance that you will not change their opinion, but there is also a
chance that you may. If you follow these suggestions for arguing, you all will
come away unhurt (possibly annoyed, but unhurt and your friendship should still
be intact).
XOXO Lauryn
Well said, Lauryn!!! :)
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