Looking Back, While Moving Forward

My "Light at The End of The Tunnel". I took this picture during the fireworks show at Disneyland, my happiest place on earth.

     Wow, life has changed so much in the past couple of years. I sit here and think of all the plans I had; I have always been a planner. I had a plan for everything. That’s how I liked to live, there was a plan and it was to be followed exactly. That way there were no surprises or disappointments. That way everything would be perfect. I had my college plan, where I was going to go, what my major would be, what school I would transfer to after doing my undergrad. I knew who I was going to marry, how long we would wait to get engaged then married. I even planned out the age in which I wanted to have and stop having children. I had a plan because it made me feel safe. That I was going to be okay in a world that seemed as though it could fall to pieces, at any second.
    I had held those plans with white knuckles, never daring to loosen my grip even for a second. Even with my determination, life still happened. When all those plans started to fall apart, I did too. I couldn’t function. It sounds crazy, like, come on, Tessa just edit your plan; make a new one, roll with the punches. I couldn’t, so, I stopped participating in life. When I did start to “function” again I did things to keep my mind off of the fact that my life wasn’t perfect. Not only was it not perfect,  it was awful. I thought I was a failure. I tried to distract myself by making bad choices, which only added to my downwards spiral. I had dug myself into a hole and wasn't sure how to get out. The only thing I knew that I could do was to keep on digging.

   After about 2 years of living life alone in my problems, I let someone into my deep dark hole, for the first time. We were on one of the worst trips I have ever been on and things were finally too much for me to take all by myself. So, I ripped off the bandage that covered the nasty, awful, wound and shared my secret. Finally, I said, out loud, what had been eating me alive. What had been killing me. What had torn me apart. What had destroyed me. Through tears and shame, I told her what he did to me. She climbed into my deep dark pit and sat with me. For the first time in 2 years, I wasn't alone.

   I experienced a significant trauma. Trauma is defined as: a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. This trauma came right after a few of my plans had fallen apart and put every single other plan I had through the shredder. Looking back on it, I can see I was in survivor mode. I was trying to get through each day and desperately grasping for any sense of control over my life. Life was really messy for about 2 years, not to say life isn't messy now, it was just extra messy for awhile. During that time, I had let a lot of things go. Such as friendships, relationships, grades, school, my health, my faith, nothing had mattered to me anymore. My life mentality was screw everything.

   It has been over a year since I first told my secret. Life is really different now. I am getting help. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety, and Major Depressive Disorder. But I am getting better. I still have days when I feel like the world is caving in, however, they are appearing less and less.I have people standing by me, holding my hand through it all.                

    Looking back, I have much more grace in my heart for myself now. I went through a traumatic experience and didn't have the “tools” to deal with it, and that is not my fault. I still have to remind myself of that daily, but it is easier to remember now. I'm still on the journey, but, I think I see the flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.

xoxo Tessa

If you need help:

National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline

1 (800) 656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1 (800) 273-8255

California Calling Utah, Yoga Time?

Doing yoga with Tessa is one of my favourite things to do and ways of practicing. Unfortunately, she's in Utah and I'm in California.This makes for some creative planning. Such as never knowing if she's referring to her time or my time, and half the time we are playing catch up with texts.Because of this and a few other factors actually doing yoga together is kind of out of the question, or so we thought.

I can't remember whose brilliant idea this was, but I will volunteer to take credit for it.Over the Phone Yoga sessions. That's right, we found a way, and it's actually super simple and pretty fun.





We planned out the poses we were going to go through (and by this I mean we found a photo set on Pinterest), picked a time, lit some candles, turned off our lights and let yoga time begin. Since Tessa has never led a yoga flow before, I took this round. I'm sure that it would have helped if I had really planned out the session before, but Tess assures me that even flying by the seat of her pants this session was pretty good.

There had been a few times when I paused the flow to figure out how to transition from one flow to the next, this all could have been avoided with actual planning. But, the first session is always the one with the most problems.Other problems included not being able to hear each other's breathes, so knowing when each person was actually transitioning was a total guess.

Phone Yoga was a very big hit, big enough that we decided that we must do PY at least once a week, neither of us had actually been making time to practice. Now that we have a new system in place, we are starting to question why we ever got out of practice.

Knitting in the Snow

There have been many changes for me the past 3 months. The biggest change in these past 3 months, which really put all the other changes in motion, was that I moved to Utah. Yes, my non-skiing, southern Californian, warm weather loving self, moved to Utah.  It has been one of the biggest adjustments that I have ever been through. On January 3^rd I moved to a state where I knew a whopping total of 3 people.  It has been a very scary journey.  I knew that I had to do something to meet people and keep myself sane. I saw they were taking sign-ups for a knitting group at a local church down the road. So, I bravely signed my name and waited until the next Friday with great anxiety. I have never been one to shy away from meeting new people but, it was just a mixture of so many new things at once.  So, when Friday rolled around I went armed with my rolling case of knitting supplies and a diet coke. Because, if all else fails you might as well be caffeinated.  

That Friday night, I met some of the best women I have ever met in my entire life. We are all different ages and from different walks of life. But we had two things in common, a love for God and a passion for knitting. This meeting was at the conclusion of my second week being in Utah and it truly put me at ease. It let me know there was a place for me and that I wasn’t alone. Knitting was my key to some amazing relationships in Utah. Knitting with this group of ladies made me feel so at home for the first time since I moved to Utah. It was finally something familiar in my new world of white every place you look and this magical freezing stuff that falls from the sky (apparently they call these things snow).  While at first these classes were a comfy safe haven, they turned into more. We started a project a couple weeks later that was a big undertaking. I have been knitting for years but I never made anything really all that big or complex. I stick to easy patterns that I know I can do and won’t challenge me all that much.  So, when it was brought up that our next project was going to be a shawl I almost didn’t want to go anymore. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it and that I would mess up. I became so worried that I didn’t even want to try. 

This safe haven was turning into a challenge. I made it impossible in my head. It was a serious struggle for me and it was made out to be this huge thing. It was pretty ridiculous. But then, I ran into one of the ladies from my group and they told me how happy they were that I joined the group. She really encouraged me and so the night we started the shawl I went in ready for battle. Not only was I going to be making something new, I was going to be working in the round which I have never done before and I was also going to be using stich markers which I had only used once before. I started my shawl about 8 times. Every time, I wasn't sure if I did it right, so I ripped it out. Then one of the ladies saw me and said “Honey you are never going to get anywhere like this, if you make a mistake no one is going to care”, this was exactly what I needed to hear. Since then, I have not ripped out any stitches and am diligently working on the shawl. It has taken me a longer time because I have to take breaks quite frequently because I started to get over whelmed and start to doubt my ability’s. But, I am doing it and I can’t wait until it is finished because it will be true triumph.  

My Utah adventure is proving to be everything I didn’t imagine and everything that I need. It has truly been a learning experience that only life can teach you and I can’t wait to see what else is in store. I will keep you updated with my shawl progress!

Xoxo Tessa

One Coffee House to Another

My "Coffee Shop chilling" has reached a whole new level, my local Starbucks used to receive  the majority of my attention, meandering for a time or two at a small coffee joint in my town, but it never got me hooked. The place, while lovely, was just too small and, in my opinion, wasn't really focused as a coffee house. I don't really want to accidentally take up the majority of the tables.

Due to complete random happenstance, about two months ago I wandered into a coffee house in a town about 15 minutes from my own. Within a week, I was volunteering there and spending as much time as I could there. The atmosphere alone got me hooked pretty quickly, not to mention the coffee. Never had I wanted to buy drink after drink, if only I could actually afford it. The atmosphere only slightly changes on friday nights, making it less of a chill hang out, and more of a cool lounge. Live music is invited in and welcomed by new comes and regular customers alike.

I couldn't have found a better place to randomly walk into, everything had just fallen into place. I had never expected to actually be behind the counter at such a great establishment. Everyone I have worked with or been served by couldn't have been better, I wish I could make the drive everyday to get my coffee there. But, alas, by gas buying habit cannot support the drive. So, until it can, I'll just look over the photo's I've taken, and the conversations and jokes that have gone on. All the while, inviting as many people as I know the come out. If you ever want me to support something, make sure I really love it and you couldn't ask for a better advertiser. Nearly everyone I have talked to int eh past two months has heard about, and has been invited to the coffee house, wether for a friday night or just a regular business day.

xoxo

Lauryn

(All photos are from my instagram)

Advent day 14

Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum?

YUM YUM YUM!!!
I'm eating one right now! Candy Canes are my all time favourite, there is no better candy, or ice cream, or scent, or taste. Come to think of it, I really want peppermint ice cream now...

I go through so many boxes of candy canes every winter, I'd tell you how many but I haven't kept count, also I've had too many to really know!

Nothing makes the christmas season like hundreds upon hundreds upon thousands of Candy Canes! If you haven't had any yet, I suggest going and getting some right now. There is no reason to wait on this, Christmas will not continue with out Candy Canes.

                                                               xoxo Lauryn

Advent: Day 13

Real tree, fake tree, or no tree? 

Every year I have had a real tree, except this year.... I love real trees, I would have a real tree every year if it was up to me! I love walking I to my house and being bombarded by the wonderful smell! I think they look fantastic as well! Unfortunately this year my parents stopped giving into my lust for real trees and bought a fake one :((( 

One of my favorite Christmas memories is going to the Christmas tree farm and picking a tree and chopping it down with my papa. We did that when I was little and I love that I have that memory. It is really satisfactory to not only pick your own tree but cut it down! Granted I was little so there was super cute pretending to cut pictures when it was really my papa cutting it down. Whatever you deside about a tree I hope it brings you joy! Merry Christmas! 

Xoxo Tessa

Advent: Day 9

Combat boots or Uggs? 

Combat boots or Uggs is a serious shoe question, I mean it is quite mind boggling for me! I wear both types of boots all the time. They both have pros and cons but I think over all I am going to have to go with Uggs. I'm going with Uggs because of the coziness factor. They are so warm and comfy it's like a nice warm hug for your feet! I wear my Uggs as soon as the temperature drops just a tad haha the are a perfect winter shoe in that my feet have never been cold while wearing them! Merry Christmas! 

Xoxo Tessa

Advent:Day 7

What is your most worn sweater? 

My most worn sweater is this Texas A&M sweatshirt! I am an Aggie supporter! I got this sweatshirt in the airport on one of my many trips to Texas and I wear it constantly! I love this color first off so it's a go to for me and it reminds me of Texas. And let's be honest Texas makes me feel all warm and cozy so what better quality for a sweatshirt to have. It is also extra big so it's nice to cuddle up in. I have had it for many years and don't know what I would do with out it! 

Merry Christmas! 

Xoxo Tessa 

Day 6 of the Christmas Advent!

What is winter weather like where you live?

Cold! So cold! That is unless you have lived anywhere else in the world where it gets colder than 25 degrees Fahrenheit. Today the low is 32, my windshield had frost on it this morning. This is not what I've ever pictured for a white christmas. Frost on the grass instead of snow everywhere. My town has not seen snow in 15 years, it's snowed 48 times in the past 107 years. 

We have the possibility for snow tomorrow, although I doubt it, snow has been predicted nearly every winter. Of course, every year I hope for snow, but I also don't know how to act in snow or dress for snow. 

While snow would be great, the area I live in is highly populated by citrus fruit. Who doesn't love an orange in their stocking? Well, this promised cold is not good for those of us who actually like getting citrus on christmas.

photo from invisible5.org

My winter is more prone to fog, yes, fog. Fog so thick you can't see across the rode, forget about being able to see the end of your car. Nearly everyone drives super slow with their windows down. 

And yes, I do wear shorts and short sleeves year round, sometimes I put on a light jacket! Although, a sweatshirt is generally what I wear with some sort of jean or legging tucked into boots.

xoxo Lauryn

Advent: Day 5

What is your favorite Christmas food? 

(Picture from www.picstopin.com) 

My favorite Christmas food hands down, 100% is candy canes!!!!! I LOVE candy canes they are my favorite candy in the world. I eat way too many at any chance I get. I go to the grocery store and scope them out before the holidays just waiting for them to magically appear. I have always loves candy canes and my infatuation has only grown over the years. I stock pile them at the end of the holiday season when they go on sale just to try and preserve the holidays a bit longer. 

I even take candy canes to a whole new level! I have candy cane scented candles, lotion, body spray, Chapstick, and wall plug-in for my room. Without candy canes I just don't feel Christmas would be the same. I hope you all enjoy a few during the holiday season!! 

Xoxo Tessa 

Advent: Day 4

What is the best fragrance for winter?

(Photo from www.bathandbodyworks.com) 

Peppermint, peppermint, peppermint! Peppermint everything! If it's not peppermint, it's not winter. There is no other answer for this question. I love everything about it, the smell, the memories, eating it, drinking it in almost everything! 
The colours of peppermint, the crunch of the candy, the taste, the perfection! Thinking about the name though, peppermint should be completely different. It should be a combination of pepper and spearmint, or winter mint, or  whatever other mint there is. 
Peppermint happens to be the only "mint" that I like, actually I love it. I really, really love it! Where as I greatly dislike all the other mints. Only peppermint will do, and only peppermint I shall have!

Xoxo Lauryn

Advent: Day 3

What is the best winter memory you have? 

(From Georgegray.com I am so sad I don't have any pictures from the houses we looked at) 

I have always loved the holidays, especially Christmas! One of my favorite winter memories was during December when I was younger, about 11. My cousins and I were super close, they were like my brothers and sisters. I would often go to their house to hang out and play. As I have said I am very festive and love all things merry, so it was quite a treat that the street next to my cousins house was always shining bright with extravagant lights during the holiday season. Every single house was dressed up with lights and blow up figures and so much more! I loved going and just being in awe of it all. I remember one night my aunt, uncle, all my cousins, my mom and I set out and walked around the tiny street and it was as if I had walked into the North Pole. It was absolutely fabulous and it is one of my favorite winter memories! 

Xoxo Tessa 

Advent Day 2!

 Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?

While I am not a fan of chocolate, I do on occasion enjoy a nice hot cup of cocoa. However, my love of coffees and teas will not be denied, I have multiple blends of several christmasy drinks. I look forwards to these every year, my favourite wintery tea being peppermint. There is just something about drinking a candy cane that I find to be incredibly inviting.

One christmas season several years ago, I can no longer remember, my family and I went to pick out a christmas tree. They had big ones, smaller ones, fat, skinny, and of course the flocked ones. What more could my small Central Valley town need

Image from porkandplants.com/

than fake snow on their trees? I believe this was the year my family got our first flocked tree, which also happened to be our last flocked tree. While completely inaccurate, the tree was gorgeous, there is almost nothing better than a Christmas tree with snow on it, it made me feel as though I lived where it actually snowed.

This particular year my family went to a family owned diner/restaurant in my town, we all ordered hot chocolate and sat at the table talking and laughing and feeling the special magic of christmas.

xoxo Lauryn

Advent: Day 1

What is your favorite candle scent for the holidays? 

(Picture is from bathandbodyworks.com)

My favorite holiday scent for the holidays is "Tis the Season" by Bath and Body Works! It is a strong scent but not over powering. It smells so great, I am personally not a fan of sweet smells they make me nauseous so this one is right up my ally! It is like Christmas in a candle. The pine and spice are such a treat for my nose. The instant I get the opportunity I start lighting my holiday scents. Smell is a something that really connects to the holidays for me. I love the smell of peppermint and Christmas tress too!  It makes me giddy and excited. The candles give me feel a sense peacefulness. "Tis the Season" is currently on my nightstand ready for action. It is fantastic and I highly recommend you guys check it out! 

Xoxo Tessa

Christmas, please come early!

Yesterday, while shopping for yarn to make my christmas presents with I got stuck in the Seasonal Aisle of Walmart. I was stuck there for a good twenty minutes, walking up and down the christmas aisle, staring at the vats of caramel corn, the tins of cookies, the multi packets of hot chocolate, and the abundance of chocolate in different forms. My favourite forms were the santa claus and of course the reindeer. This adventure down christmas aisle is not unusual, in fact it happens to me every time I go to Walmart. The unusual part is that thanksgiving hasn't even happened.

I started wearing my christmas socks back in August, have never even turned off my christmas music, and my christmas jammies have become by everyday jammies. I use my christmas mugs year round, eat candy canes whenever I can, and think about ornaments at least weekly. I love christmas and that fact that it draws nearer and nearer is making me incredibly excited. Not necessarily the day, considering my family can go from picture happy to world war three fighting in three seconds flat, but the entire cheery season. I've been christmas caroling, I read christmas books, I have a list of christmas movies that i am continuously adding to and arranging the order of. 

My family has a particular way of putting up and decorating our tree. We normally have a fake plastic tree (which is NOT the same as a real tree) my younger brother sets it up (he's taller, no one else but by dad is able to do this job). I decorate the tree, it takes me a good amount of time and several walk arounds and standing at different angles in the room making sure it is perfect. I have even strung popcorn together and wrapped it around the tree, I go all out. My sister has the easiest job, she "Supervises" (similar to her idea of making dinner, i.e. Taco Bell).

So now, I am already for christmas, I'm so excited, my candy canes are open and are being eaten at a normally surprising  rate, but the problem is that It's November. Thanksgiving isn't until the week before December. I have basically gotten ready for winter, but it feels like the middle of June (really, it was nearly 80* on monday). 

In my hope to get everyone as excited I leave you with my all time favourite christmas song: Disco Christmas In Hamsterland.

Seasonal Changes

I love pumpkins. I love fall. I love crunchy leaves, baggy sweaters, and it being socially acceptable to wear tights again (even though that never really stops me). Even though there's 11 more days until fall officially starts (and it's defiantly still too hot, it was 95 at 7:30 yesterday), I still love this season.

There's just something hauntingly poetic about the crunch of dead leaves that just makes me want to jump in a big pile of them, although the actual jumping into a pile of leaves brings me back to reality. And by reality I obviously mean pretending it's fall when it's very obvious that summer is going to linger around for awhile.

Although all of this is just gearing up for the winter season, and let's not get into that I am far to excited already! There's always a certain type of magic that enters the air around these seasons, maybe it's that everything is beginning, which is actually the opposite of what nature is doing. But who actually cares about the rules that nature has set forth? If september is my season to start new projects and begin new habits why should I wait for the new year, or spring? There is no reason that I should set my schedule to the one made by the trees or popular magazines.

I've already got my fall items lined up, I've figured out the best way to make great carmel corn, have the tastiest Pumpkin Spice Latter recipe (If you want some you'll have to come over, I'm not giving it out. Actually I already have twice, so I mean you can try to find it? but you'll have to know where to look.) and I just got knew yarn that is itching to spin itself into something gorgeous, although I'm not actually working on anything yet until I finish Summer's birthday present (WHICH I AM SAYING NOTHING ABOUT UNTIL I HAVE GIVEN IT TO HER THURSDAY. SORRY, NO SPOILERS).

Last fall and this fall are already very different, in both good and bad ways. I'm really looking forwards to seeing it play out before me, I am crossing my fingers for a few things to happen, and already have things written on my calendar, such as the 5k Maddy and I are running in, on November 17th (You should join us, we'd love it if you would!! If you live near us, you can even come running with us).

But just as the season says, we'll fall, and hopefully let's catch ourselves and have as much fun as we could possibly have.

Learning to Crochet

When it comes to someone’s birthday I like to give heartfelt gifts, I always have. I think that they mean more when the gift has a personal connection. Well my mom’s birthday was last week and I wanted to of course carry on the tradition. So I thought that I would make her a mug cozy (click here for pattern). Lauryn had shown me the pattern and talked about how easy it was so I thought that it would be a breeze. Well at the beginning it wasn’t hard, I did have to learn how to use a cable needle but it was quite simple. It was a simple follow the pattern. It was time consuming but it was really coming along great. Then I got to the last row and it went DOWN HILL. I looked at it and was like they want me to do what to finish it???? 

So being the perfectionist that I am and not knowing how to do it I just hid it in my closet because in there it would obviously fix its self. Well a few weeks past and well it’s now the night of August 16^th my mom’s birthday is the 17^th so I should really figure out what I am going to do. So I call Lauryn while at my wits end to talk me through how to finish this cozy. Well to finish it you have to crochet. This would be no big deal IF I KNEW HOW TO CROCHET! So I’m thinking many …colorful… words. Lauryn sent me the link to this truly awesome tumbler site (click here to go to it) so I could learn the basics a.s.a.p. Between the lovely internet, Lauryns fabulous direction over facetime and a pattern I finally got the tea cozy complete at about 2:30am on the 17^th. I was a complete mess trying to learn how to crochet. But it gets better. 

This past weekend I took a spur of the moment trip up to Reedley to visit all of my friends up there that I was missing SO MUCH. Lauryn of course being one of those friends, when we visited she taught me how to crochet much better and several different stitches that I didn’t know.  Crocheting is something that I have given many minimal effort attempts at learning over the years and just never really accomplished anything but how to avoid projects that required it. Now having practiced and actually given an effort to learn it I like it a lot! I’m very excited to see what project doors my new skill will open. I can’t wait to start a crochet project! If you don’t know how to do something like certain stitch or skill don’t just avoid projects with them like I did. You are just limiting yourself! Find help and learn it! It will be worth it I promise!

P.S. My mom LOVED the mug cozy!

 xoxo Tessa