Looking Back, While Moving Forward

My "Light at The End of The Tunnel". I took this picture during the fireworks show at Disneyland, my happiest place on earth.

     Wow, life has changed so much in the past couple of years. I sit here and think of all the plans I had; I have always been a planner. I had a plan for everything. That’s how I liked to live, there was a plan and it was to be followed exactly. That way there were no surprises or disappointments. That way everything would be perfect. I had my college plan, where I was going to go, what my major would be, what school I would transfer to after doing my undergrad. I knew who I was going to marry, how long we would wait to get engaged then married. I even planned out the age in which I wanted to have and stop having children. I had a plan because it made me feel safe. That I was going to be okay in a world that seemed as though it could fall to pieces, at any second.
    I had held those plans with white knuckles, never daring to loosen my grip even for a second. Even with my determination, life still happened. When all those plans started to fall apart, I did too. I couldn’t function. It sounds crazy, like, come on, Tessa just edit your plan; make a new one, roll with the punches. I couldn’t, so, I stopped participating in life. When I did start to “function” again I did things to keep my mind off of the fact that my life wasn’t perfect. Not only was it not perfect,  it was awful. I thought I was a failure. I tried to distract myself by making bad choices, which only added to my downwards spiral. I had dug myself into a hole and wasn't sure how to get out. The only thing I knew that I could do was to keep on digging.

   After about 2 years of living life alone in my problems, I let someone into my deep dark hole, for the first time. We were on one of the worst trips I have ever been on and things were finally too much for me to take all by myself. So, I ripped off the bandage that covered the nasty, awful, wound and shared my secret. Finally, I said, out loud, what had been eating me alive. What had been killing me. What had torn me apart. What had destroyed me. Through tears and shame, I told her what he did to me. She climbed into my deep dark pit and sat with me. For the first time in 2 years, I wasn't alone.

   I experienced a significant trauma. Trauma is defined as: a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. This trauma came right after a few of my plans had fallen apart and put every single other plan I had through the shredder. Looking back on it, I can see I was in survivor mode. I was trying to get through each day and desperately grasping for any sense of control over my life. Life was really messy for about 2 years, not to say life isn't messy now, it was just extra messy for awhile. During that time, I had let a lot of things go. Such as friendships, relationships, grades, school, my health, my faith, nothing had mattered to me anymore. My life mentality was screw everything.

   It has been over a year since I first told my secret. Life is really different now. I am getting help. I was diagnosed with PTSD, Anxiety, and Major Depressive Disorder. But I am getting better. I still have days when I feel like the world is caving in, however, they are appearing less and less.I have people standing by me, holding my hand through it all.                

    Looking back, I have much more grace in my heart for myself now. I went through a traumatic experience and didn't have the “tools” to deal with it, and that is not my fault. I still have to remind myself of that daily, but it is easier to remember now. I'm still on the journey, but, I think I see the flicker of light at the end of the tunnel.

xoxo Tessa

If you need help:

National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline

1 (800) 656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1 (800) 273-8255

Knitting in the Snow

There have been many changes for me the past 3 months. The biggest change in these past 3 months, which really put all the other changes in motion, was that I moved to Utah. Yes, my non-skiing, southern Californian, warm weather loving self, moved to Utah.  It has been one of the biggest adjustments that I have ever been through. On January 3^rd I moved to a state where I knew a whopping total of 3 people.  It has been a very scary journey.  I knew that I had to do something to meet people and keep myself sane. I saw they were taking sign-ups for a knitting group at a local church down the road. So, I bravely signed my name and waited until the next Friday with great anxiety. I have never been one to shy away from meeting new people but, it was just a mixture of so many new things at once.  So, when Friday rolled around I went armed with my rolling case of knitting supplies and a diet coke. Because, if all else fails you might as well be caffeinated.  

That Friday night, I met some of the best women I have ever met in my entire life. We are all different ages and from different walks of life. But we had two things in common, a love for God and a passion for knitting. This meeting was at the conclusion of my second week being in Utah and it truly put me at ease. It let me know there was a place for me and that I wasn’t alone. Knitting was my key to some amazing relationships in Utah. Knitting with this group of ladies made me feel so at home for the first time since I moved to Utah. It was finally something familiar in my new world of white every place you look and this magical freezing stuff that falls from the sky (apparently they call these things snow).  While at first these classes were a comfy safe haven, they turned into more. We started a project a couple weeks later that was a big undertaking. I have been knitting for years but I never made anything really all that big or complex. I stick to easy patterns that I know I can do and won’t challenge me all that much.  So, when it was brought up that our next project was going to be a shawl I almost didn’t want to go anymore. I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it and that I would mess up. I became so worried that I didn’t even want to try. 

This safe haven was turning into a challenge. I made it impossible in my head. It was a serious struggle for me and it was made out to be this huge thing. It was pretty ridiculous. But then, I ran into one of the ladies from my group and they told me how happy they were that I joined the group. She really encouraged me and so the night we started the shawl I went in ready for battle. Not only was I going to be making something new, I was going to be working in the round which I have never done before and I was also going to be using stich markers which I had only used once before. I started my shawl about 8 times. Every time, I wasn't sure if I did it right, so I ripped it out. Then one of the ladies saw me and said “Honey you are never going to get anywhere like this, if you make a mistake no one is going to care”, this was exactly what I needed to hear. Since then, I have not ripped out any stitches and am diligently working on the shawl. It has taken me a longer time because I have to take breaks quite frequently because I started to get over whelmed and start to doubt my ability’s. But, I am doing it and I can’t wait until it is finished because it will be true triumph.  

My Utah adventure is proving to be everything I didn’t imagine and everything that I need. It has truly been a learning experience that only life can teach you and I can’t wait to see what else is in store. I will keep you updated with my shawl progress!

Xoxo Tessa

Advent: Day 13

Real tree, fake tree, or no tree? 

Every year I have had a real tree, except this year.... I love real trees, I would have a real tree every year if it was up to me! I love walking I to my house and being bombarded by the wonderful smell! I think they look fantastic as well! Unfortunately this year my parents stopped giving into my lust for real trees and bought a fake one :((( 

One of my favorite Christmas memories is going to the Christmas tree farm and picking a tree and chopping it down with my papa. We did that when I was little and I love that I have that memory. It is really satisfactory to not only pick your own tree but cut it down! Granted I was little so there was super cute pretending to cut pictures when it was really my papa cutting it down. Whatever you deside about a tree I hope it brings you joy! Merry Christmas! 

Xoxo Tessa

Advent: Day 9

Combat boots or Uggs? 

Combat boots or Uggs is a serious shoe question, I mean it is quite mind boggling for me! I wear both types of boots all the time. They both have pros and cons but I think over all I am going to have to go with Uggs. I'm going with Uggs because of the coziness factor. They are so warm and comfy it's like a nice warm hug for your feet! I wear my Uggs as soon as the temperature drops just a tad haha the are a perfect winter shoe in that my feet have never been cold while wearing them! Merry Christmas! 

Xoxo Tessa

Advent:Day 7

What is your most worn sweater? 

My most worn sweater is this Texas A&M sweatshirt! I am an Aggie supporter! I got this sweatshirt in the airport on one of my many trips to Texas and I wear it constantly! I love this color first off so it's a go to for me and it reminds me of Texas. And let's be honest Texas makes me feel all warm and cozy so what better quality for a sweatshirt to have. It is also extra big so it's nice to cuddle up in. I have had it for many years and don't know what I would do with out it! 

Merry Christmas! 

Xoxo Tessa 

Advent: Day 5

What is your favorite Christmas food? 

(Picture from www.picstopin.com) 

My favorite Christmas food hands down, 100% is candy canes!!!!! I LOVE candy canes they are my favorite candy in the world. I eat way too many at any chance I get. I go to the grocery store and scope them out before the holidays just waiting for them to magically appear. I have always loves candy canes and my infatuation has only grown over the years. I stock pile them at the end of the holiday season when they go on sale just to try and preserve the holidays a bit longer. 

I even take candy canes to a whole new level! I have candy cane scented candles, lotion, body spray, Chapstick, and wall plug-in for my room. Without candy canes I just don't feel Christmas would be the same. I hope you all enjoy a few during the holiday season!! 

Xoxo Tessa 

Advent: Day 1

What is your favorite candle scent for the holidays? 

(Picture is from bathandbodyworks.com)

My favorite holiday scent for the holidays is "Tis the Season" by Bath and Body Works! It is a strong scent but not over powering. It smells so great, I am personally not a fan of sweet smells they make me nauseous so this one is right up my ally! It is like Christmas in a candle. The pine and spice are such a treat for my nose. The instant I get the opportunity I start lighting my holiday scents. Smell is a something that really connects to the holidays for me. I love the smell of peppermint and Christmas tress too!  It makes me giddy and excited. The candles give me feel a sense peacefulness. "Tis the Season" is currently on my nightstand ready for action. It is fantastic and I highly recommend you guys check it out! 

Xoxo Tessa

Learning to Crochet

When it comes to someone’s birthday I like to give heartfelt gifts, I always have. I think that they mean more when the gift has a personal connection. Well my mom’s birthday was last week and I wanted to of course carry on the tradition. So I thought that I would make her a mug cozy (click here for pattern). Lauryn had shown me the pattern and talked about how easy it was so I thought that it would be a breeze. Well at the beginning it wasn’t hard, I did have to learn how to use a cable needle but it was quite simple. It was a simple follow the pattern. It was time consuming but it was really coming along great. Then I got to the last row and it went DOWN HILL. I looked at it and was like they want me to do what to finish it???? 

So being the perfectionist that I am and not knowing how to do it I just hid it in my closet because in there it would obviously fix its self. Well a few weeks past and well it’s now the night of August 16^th my mom’s birthday is the 17^th so I should really figure out what I am going to do. So I call Lauryn while at my wits end to talk me through how to finish this cozy. Well to finish it you have to crochet. This would be no big deal IF I KNEW HOW TO CROCHET! So I’m thinking many …colorful… words. Lauryn sent me the link to this truly awesome tumbler site (click here to go to it) so I could learn the basics a.s.a.p. Between the lovely internet, Lauryns fabulous direction over facetime and a pattern I finally got the tea cozy complete at about 2:30am on the 17^th. I was a complete mess trying to learn how to crochet. But it gets better. 

This past weekend I took a spur of the moment trip up to Reedley to visit all of my friends up there that I was missing SO MUCH. Lauryn of course being one of those friends, when we visited she taught me how to crochet much better and several different stitches that I didn’t know.  Crocheting is something that I have given many minimal effort attempts at learning over the years and just never really accomplished anything but how to avoid projects that required it. Now having practiced and actually given an effort to learn it I like it a lot! I’m very excited to see what project doors my new skill will open. I can’t wait to start a crochet project! If you don’t know how to do something like certain stitch or skill don’t just avoid projects with them like I did. You are just limiting yourself! Find help and learn it! It will be worth it I promise!

P.S. My mom LOVED the mug cozy!

 xoxo Tessa 

Aqua Chances

In life taking a chance and changing something that has been one way for an extended period of time can be very difficult and frightening. Chances can be taken in many different forms. They do not have to be a huge change to take a lot of courage.

           

On Thursday night I made a change in my appearance. I dip dyed the lower part of my hair aqua. I have red hair so it is quite noticeable and very apparent that I made a big change with my hair. Lauryn also made a big change, she dip dyed her hair hot pink. When we did this we didn’t do it to make anyone happy, impress anyone or because we wanted to fit in. We did it solely based on the fact that we thought that it would look really good. We wanted to be different and have a fun hairstyle. We took a chance. We had no guarantees about how it would look or if we would like it and we really had no way to change it once it was done.

           

 Even though changing my hair color might not seem like a big deal to some for me it is. It is something that everyone will see and people who don’t know me will see and give them bases to judge me. Making a change in your life that can be impactful is always difficult. However, no matter how difficult the change no one should be afraid to do it. If you feel like a change is necessary in your life, think about what you are doing and make sure it is what you want to be doing. Then take the leap of faith. Life is too short to be unhappy so don’t be afraid to make changes big or small to increase the serendipity of happiness.

           

Lauryn's Starting Hair

Lauryn's Step 2

Lauryn's Finished Product

My Starting Hair

My Finished Product

We Love Our Hair

Tea and Poetry

My delicious tea
Photo taken by: Lauryn Crum

I have never been to a poetry competition until Friday night. I went to support my friend Roy, and not expecting to really have that much fun. I tried to go in with an open mind but did not really expect much. My friends and I got dressed up and drove to this fabulous place called Teazers. It is this little funky tea shop that I kind of feel in love with. The atmosphere was fantastic as well as their product. 

 First off, the vibe of Teazers is great, it is very relaxed, very zen.  The staff is very helpful and willing to give advice if you need some help choosing. I took a very scientific approach on choosing my tea. Just kidding I choose the tea that had the prettiest name, however, that worked wonders and I had the lightest, most refreshing and tasty tea I have had in a long time. Lauryn thought that my method was hilarious but I enjoyed it nonetheless. The staff was readily available to answer questions about teas, whether or not it should be sweetened and with what is should be sweetened with. 

 The teas are not just strait bags that you would find at like Starbucks, they hand blend their teas and use tea balls. I thought that was really impressive. A lot of their teas are blends of different types of teas and they take the time to make sure that it is just right before serving it to you by tasting it (this is done so it is sanitary do not worry).  The way that they did this made it seem like a more homey type feel and I definitely see myself going back again. I would highly suggest that if you are in the Fresno area that you go and check Teazers out!

Roy Preforming
Photo taken by: Lauryn Crum

On every third Friday of every month they host a poetry competition. As I said before I had never been before and was not expecting much but I was surprised in how much I enjoyed it. Our friend Roy was in the competition ( his first time preforming in front of people) so we went to support him. He was phenomenal! I thought that he did so so so well. He ended up getting 2nd place. That is so awesome for it being his first time. I am so proud of him! All of the poets were great though and I enjoyed myself immensely.

This upcoming month of May will be their anniversary of the competitions and they will be pulling out all the stops and I can not wait to go and hear all of the words so artistically put together. Also I can not wait to cheer on my friend Roy. It will be great I just know it. 

xoxo Tessa